A Call to Gracious Understanding In the Midst of Hard Decisions
by Joshua Copley
"We went into the ultrasound room with hope and walked out crushed."
Having previously been through two healthy pregnancies we knew what to expect. When the examination began the ultrasound tech should have quickly located the baby, played the heartbeat for us to hear, and then taken the needed measurements. But none of this happened. Stillness as the tech sought to find movement of our baby, silence as we so longed to hear a tiny heartbeat, and a still-baby that measured almost two weeks behind the contraception date. The tech would not say what she was seeing, but words weren’t needed. My wife and I locked eyes in a silent understanding. Our baby was not going to grow, not going to experience the joys and laughter of life, not going to enrich our family through his or her life – our baby had died in the womb.
As we sat in an examination room the doctor kindly and softly explained the possibilities: either our conception date was incorrect or a miscarriage had taken place. It was too early and there was no way to know for sure until we returned the following week paired with a blood panel examining my wife’s hormone levels revealed the painful truth. Our baby was no longer living and we had to make a decision about what to do next.
Would we allow our baby to pass through naturally at his or her own time? Or would we instead take the medicinal route and use Misoprostol? Or a third option would be for a procedural D&C.
What were we to do?
At 26 and 27 years old, we were thoroughly uneducated and unequipped for all these decisions. Questions began flooding our hearts and minds to the point of overwhelming...
"Wasn’t Misoprostol an abortion drug?"... "Isn’t a D&C the same procedure as an abortion?" Our bold confession before our God stood more highly than our conformity to man, yet we didn’t even know what these doctors were talking about.
How are we, as Christians, to understand our options and handle the aftercare of miscarriage? Here are a few thoughts I have found to bring not only clarity, but healing hope in the midst of loss...
Understand The Miscarriage Must Be Defined As The Loss Of The Baby
We, as Christians, seeking to deeper understand post-miscarriage-care must do so with a clear conviction that we are talking about the point at which there is no viable life. We are not examining the medical anomaly cases where a baby is plagued by health issues in the womb nor discussing an unwanted pregnancy. As we discuss these methods and processes, we are discussing them following the declaration by a medical doctor that the baby inside the mother is no longer living. To distort this understanding and try to twist this into different circumstances must be rejected. We are strictly examining care alternatives following the declared death of a baby in the womb.
Understand The Different Options of Passing The Baby After Miscarriage
Sometimes after a miscarriage, the baby will pass naturally. This method is when the mother allows the baby to pass on its own time. We did not go with this option but know dear friends who have. This option has been explained, to us, as a moderate to heavy period with increased cramping.
In other cases, a medicinal approach aids the process. My wife was prescribed Misoprostol. She took the medicine, and a short time later began experiencing heavy cramps and bleeding; the process for this (total) took about a day by the time she prepared and went through all the side effects of the medicine. In our case, the medicine did not completely work; we were given the option of attempting the medicine again or to move towards the procedure.
Yet, in some cases, there is a need for what is known as "procedural passing," which calls for outpatient surgery in which a doctor goes in and removes the remains following death known as a D&C. This was a fairly quick procedure; following the completion an ultrasound revealed that the first procedure had not been successful, and we had to undergo a second operation. The second operation was done under a heavier sedition, as my wife had to be intubated due to eating following first procedure, but was completed successfully.
Understanding The Issue of Conscience
There are issues and things that we face in this life that God has not directly commanded us to do or not to do in His Word. Not once does he tell me what car I need to buy, nor which grocery store I should shop at, or even what hairdo works with my face or not – there are specific things that are not addressed in God’s Word that we face and must make decisions on. The key passage for this comes from Romans 14, which says, “Welcome anyone who is weak in faith, but don’t argue about disputed matters. One person believes he may eat anything, while one who is weak eats only vegetables. One who eats must not look down on one who does not eat, and one who does not eat must not judge one who does, because God has accepted him. Who are you to judge another’s household servant? Before his own Lord he stands or falls. And he will stand, because the Lord is able to make him stand.” (Romans 14:1-4 CSB) Where God has not commanded in His Word, we cannot command to other believers. What God has not commanded directly in His Word, He has left free for moral agency of human conscience to be guided by the principles of His Word.
As we look to these three methods by which the deceased baby is passed through, and out of, the mother we must look with knowledge that this is an area of conscience. Due to the stipulations (regarding the death of a child in-eutero) I believe that we, as Christians, have the freedom to choose what is the best care for us when it comes to post-miscarriage-care. Following our convictions most closely and striving to not sin against God, Christians find freedom here.
Understanding How To Respond
It is important for us to respond with an eternal perspective. It is so simple for us, in these hard moments to get caught up in the pains of this world and the hardships of this life. You have heard this before but I hope you hear it clearly again: Christians live with a hope that extends beyond this world. We trust in a God who is constantly working all things for His good (Romans 8:28) who has shown us His immense love for us (Romans 5:8) and that the temporary is but a glimpse of what God is doing to bring about His eternal plan (Romans 8:19).
Above all, as with all issues of life and hardship, we must respond with Gospel Love. This is the great commandment of our Savior, as He directs us to Love God with all our hearts, souls, minds and strength; and to love our neighbors as ourselves. Our love for God will be challenged in times of hardship, tragedy, loss and grief. Loving God completely means not allowing circumstances to sway our love towards Him (Acts 16:25). It is also seen by recognizing His sovereignty and wisdom (1 Timothy 1:17) even in moments when we don't clearly understand our circumstance.
We must respond with an ever-abiding, sacrificial love for our spouse. While both parents feel the brokenness and pain of loss, it is important that each spouse also sees the other as the God-given completion to yourself (Ephesians 5:31). It is also in times like these that we realize our spouse is one who also needs reminded of the gospel (Ephesians 6:10-11). By joining in the mourning together, you minister to yoru spouse (Romans 12:15)
It is also important to allow a gospel love for ourselves -- a love that realizes you are one loved by God (Ephesians 1:3-6) and one strengthened by God (1 Corinthians 1:8). And in times of loss and grief, it is important to lean in to the this love and be carried by His strength.
We must also not forget that gospel love should also be shown for those who differ in their opinions of aftercare. The thing about hard decisions is that they are made more difficult with the realization that not everyone will understand the choice you made. As believers, it is important to respond with compassion that their choice is what God has allowed for them (Romans 14:10-18)
Walking through the heartbreak of miscarriage is a deeply personal and painful journey. Yet, as believers, we can rest in the assurance that God is with us in our grief, guiding our hearts and minds toward His love and truth. Understanding our options for aftercare, approaching these decisions with a biblically informed conscience, and responding with gospel-centered love allows us to navigate this difficult path with faith and wisdom.
Ultimately, our hope is not in this world but in Christ, who brings redemption and restoration. In moments of loss, we cling to His promises, trusting that He is sovereign, good, and near to the brokenhearted. As we walk forward, may we extend grace to ourselves and others, knowing that in all things, God is working for His glory and our ultimate good.
Josh Copley serves as a staff Pastor at Safe Harbor Baptist Church in Georgetown, KY. We thank him for his openness to contribute this article. You can listen to an interview with Josh at our Podcast, "Together for the Bluegrass."